PhD-life lessons: the nature of ups and downs (and histograms)
This is (inadvertently) a blog consisting of several different parts. Because unbeknownst to me, ALL THE TIME has gone by and despite having 'write blog' on my to do list every day, I haven't quite managed. That's perhaps the subject of a blog all on its own. It's an intriguing effect because it's not like my previous job wasn't ridiculously busy most of the time; I am capable of managing multiple priorities. But time has moved in a way recently where I genuinely haven't noticed that days have gone by. Perhaps a function of not having many deadlines and having relatively unstructured (or at least inconsistently structured) days? This is a mildly tricky factor in the whole 'getting longer term things done' arena, including writing a fairly substantial thesis... Mmm.
In the interests of being a complete nerd, I have (of course) been keeping a very rudimentary daily tracker of how i'm feeling. (Literally, 'how I am feeling' at the end of each day, on a scale of 1-10.) I've just produced a basic graph and it's quite revealing! When I say there have been ups and downs...
By way of annotation, here are a couple of insights into the peaks and troughs, with some general observations and musings thrown in for good measure.
One of the highest highs was, believe it or not, making a histogram. In fact, it genuinely feels like the sum total of my entire effort, essence, being, worldly productivity for the last 5 weeks can basically be summed up in the act of creating this histogram. 50% of my PhD will utilise quantitative methods (i.e. hard core stats) and I am very much (currently at least) a qualitative touchy-feely type. My scholarship funding therefore, very reasonably, came with the caveat that I needed to take a quantitative methods course this semester, which I have been doing. This course has been responsible for probably about half the lows (and some highs) on the graph! It's been a really long time since i've had the experience of doing something that I have really, really struggled with. Part of the course involves effectively learning to code using a statistical software programme, which to me has felt like learning a new language in a new language. There have been late nights and tears (often together)... But also small, tiny in fact, but meaningful achievements.
Bearing in mind that I have theoretically possessed the ability to create a histogram since GCSE maths (if not earlier), creating this (terrible) one below was the product of more hours spent inputting (incorrect) code into the software programme than I can bare to think about. But I was so, ridiculously pleased with it, even though it's still wrong and rubbish looking and really so tiny in the grand scheme of what I need to get my head round. But it was a small, significant victory!
I suspect this PhD-life lesson may be indicative of the whole of the next 3 years. Spending a lot of time and emotional energy battling something that definitely can be done, whilst not knowing how to get there. But therefore having to rely so much on the small breakthroughs as milestones. Accepting that creating a (crap) histogram is a worthy product of a week's work. Looking back, it's been an exercise of re-calibration of expectations; I am having to completely re-evaluate my abilities, re-shape my expectations of myself (especially relative to others - but that's a whole different topic!) and re-adjust to marathon training, rather than sprint training.
I am still definitely wearing my 'practitioner' hat and i'm unsure whether I need to take it off and hang it on a distant hatstand or whether I can keep it and just add an academic feather or ribbon (or something of that ilk). It's a hat that i'm pretty attached to. I'd feel pretty vulnerable without it because it's been part and parcel of my identity for all of the meaningful years that have got me to the point of being accepted to do this PhD.
Another notable observation is that I have forgotten how to read. This is not ideal, given the circumstances. I know deep down that I am inherently lazy at reading things properly (if at all). I believe I naively thought this might magically change when it was 'all' (haha) I was doing. Well, it hasn't! I am still lazy at reading. It took me 3 (and a bit) entire weeks of doing a full time PhD to actually read a single thing... I have no idea how typical that experience is. it's perhaps not helped by coming from years in practice and being surrounded by fellow PhDs who have mostly been in solid academia for several years.
BUT, I have done a large amount of Random Smiling. The highs on that graph are truly highs. Glasgow makes me smile every day, without fail. The crazy privilege of doing a PhD makes me smile most, if not every, day(s). The people I now work alongside make me smile every day that I see them (mostly managing to not be a hermit so far!) Other things in life more broadly are making me smile more often than not. Having sudden moments of re-connection with Living Streets and practitioner folks makes me smile, a lot, even though I miss the company of these people on a daily basis. There is a lot of smiling.
In the interests of being a complete nerd, I have (of course) been keeping a very rudimentary daily tracker of how i'm feeling. (Literally, 'how I am feeling' at the end of each day, on a scale of 1-10.) I've just produced a basic graph and it's quite revealing! When I say there have been ups and downs...
By way of annotation, here are a couple of insights into the peaks and troughs, with some general observations and musings thrown in for good measure.
One of the highest highs was, believe it or not, making a histogram. In fact, it genuinely feels like the sum total of my entire effort, essence, being, worldly productivity for the last 5 weeks can basically be summed up in the act of creating this histogram. 50% of my PhD will utilise quantitative methods (i.e. hard core stats) and I am very much (currently at least) a qualitative touchy-feely type. My scholarship funding therefore, very reasonably, came with the caveat that I needed to take a quantitative methods course this semester, which I have been doing. This course has been responsible for probably about half the lows (and some highs) on the graph! It's been a really long time since i've had the experience of doing something that I have really, really struggled with. Part of the course involves effectively learning to code using a statistical software programme, which to me has felt like learning a new language in a new language. There have been late nights and tears (often together)... But also small, tiny in fact, but meaningful achievements.
Bearing in mind that I have theoretically possessed the ability to create a histogram since GCSE maths (if not earlier), creating this (terrible) one below was the product of more hours spent inputting (incorrect) code into the software programme than I can bare to think about. But I was so, ridiculously pleased with it, even though it's still wrong and rubbish looking and really so tiny in the grand scheme of what I need to get my head round. But it was a small, significant victory!
I suspect this PhD-life lesson may be indicative of the whole of the next 3 years. Spending a lot of time and emotional energy battling something that definitely can be done, whilst not knowing how to get there. But therefore having to rely so much on the small breakthroughs as milestones. Accepting that creating a (crap) histogram is a worthy product of a week's work. Looking back, it's been an exercise of re-calibration of expectations; I am having to completely re-evaluate my abilities, re-shape my expectations of myself (especially relative to others - but that's a whole different topic!) and re-adjust to marathon training, rather than sprint training.
I am still definitely wearing my 'practitioner' hat and i'm unsure whether I need to take it off and hang it on a distant hatstand or whether I can keep it and just add an academic feather or ribbon (or something of that ilk). It's a hat that i'm pretty attached to. I'd feel pretty vulnerable without it because it's been part and parcel of my identity for all of the meaningful years that have got me to the point of being accepted to do this PhD.
Another notable observation is that I have forgotten how to read. This is not ideal, given the circumstances. I know deep down that I am inherently lazy at reading things properly (if at all). I believe I naively thought this might magically change when it was 'all' (haha) I was doing. Well, it hasn't! I am still lazy at reading. It took me 3 (and a bit) entire weeks of doing a full time PhD to actually read a single thing... I have no idea how typical that experience is. it's perhaps not helped by coming from years in practice and being surrounded by fellow PhDs who have mostly been in solid academia for several years.
BUT, I have done a large amount of Random Smiling. The highs on that graph are truly highs. Glasgow makes me smile every day, without fail. The crazy privilege of doing a PhD makes me smile most, if not every, day(s). The people I now work alongside make me smile every day that I see them (mostly managing to not be a hermit so far!) Other things in life more broadly are making me smile more often than not. Having sudden moments of re-connection with Living Streets and practitioner folks makes me smile, a lot, even though I miss the company of these people on a daily basis. There is a lot of smiling.
Love it Bex! Keep being real.
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