Hidden vulnerabilites, being a big picture person and a (little) bit about gender

I suspect these posts are always going to end up being several issues jumbled together, such is the discrepancy between the frequency of me finding things to comment on and the time available to blog!

I write this from the perspective of day 12 of being largely house-bound, having sprained my ankle badly nearly two weeks ago. Those that know me will know how active I am usually and therefore the extent to which this is bothering me. I note this because it is unearthing a whole new range of vulnerabilities in life generally that are transferring to, or interacting with, the PhD context. 

Last month, I submitted my first 'formal' working document to my supervisor team, ahead of a meeting with them. It struck me at the time that writing something, with ample support but very little structure or outline of expectations (the nature of PhDing), and then sending it off into the blue is a surprisingly vulnerable process. I have had similar experiences in my personal life but this is about my academic (read: professional, in this context) ability and therefore feels almost more vulnerable than sending personal stuff. It's about what I can do, rather than who I am (although that's also inherent within it). My supervisors are all friendly, supportive and enthusiastic people - I am very fortunate on this front - but nevertheless, as I come to submit this month's progress (very little, on paper), I am experiencing that same notion of vulnerability. With the usual dose of imposter syndrome thrown in, of course (they'll realise soon enough that they should have offered this to someone more academically able...) 

I added a trendline to the 50 days graph... This month has felt more difficult, for several reasons. Mostly the initial euphoria of 'new' wearing off and me having to do serious battle with the fact that I have completely forgotten how to read. I had naively hoped this would just fix itself but instead, it has become a Big and Defining Problem. There are so many workshops and training courses on how to write but nothing, really, on how to read. It feels like an embarrassing problem to admit, 2.5 months into a PhD.

With the supervisor paper, I find myself fighting the urge to send a whole page of caveats for lack of progress, which effectively amount to me putting myself down. Concurrently, I can't get away from the gender angle in my head which is in itself annoying. Would a man be writing these caveats? There is some horrifying research about women in academia; pay, on the one hand, but much deeper than that to do with representation and visibility; one tangible thing being not speaking so much in group research seminars. Annoyingly, i'm finding this to be sort of true in many settings. I catch myself having questions but not asking them and then feel i've let the whole of womankind down. But I wonder if i'm conflating the 'issue' of being female with that of being new. How much of this effect is confidence and how much gender? The very fact that i'm having to spend time contemplating this however is a hidden effect of gender disparity, I think.

Last point of realisation, for the moment, which is tied in with the struggling to read issue. I am an 'N' on the Myers-Briggs personality indicator, which in essence means that I am a big picture person. In order to start something, I like to know (as far as possible) what the 'thing' looks like in its entirety. In group work, i'm the person asking 'yes, but what's the overall aim here' and 'how do we get there?' The PhD experience so far has felt tricky from this perspective. I have nothing but the vaguest idea of the longer term 3-year (+) plan, which to some extent I don't think can be helped. I don't mind not knowing the detail of what the research will look like but to not have any real sense of the parts and their respective timescales is very difficult and I think adding to what feels like the chaotic approach that i'm currently taking. I'm unsure what the solution is in this case but just noting that for us 'N' folks, this is a particular challenge. (I'm sure there are other parts of my MBTI type that are making other things easier, that i'm not aware of!)

Happiness, to finish (because the point of this blog is to reflect on my live experience and it just happens to be feeling a bit difficult at the moment):

• I am still incredibly fortunate to be doing this.
• The department I am based in is wonderful and feels like a collegiate family already. 
• My supervisor team are excellent and engaging. 
• I have been re-reading my MSc notes on urban design theory and experiencing the same 'falling-in-loveness' that I felt then when I read concepts that put into words how I feel about the emotion of urbanism. 
• I won't be this physically immobile forever - I am very fortunate in this regard. 
• Glasgow remains, as it ever was, an inspiring and joyful place to be.